One day, my life was just that fine until you came. I was still in the state of hurting, denial and acceptance that Mr. D was already in love with someone else. You were introduced to me by a friend. It was nice meeting you. We started to be close. And then I developed this admiration on you. I was still in love with someone else that time. Hurting to see Mr. D with her girl together in the canteen, in tours, in the school grounds. Secretly wishing them to break up. Mr. D ignores me every time we met, acting like he doesn’t know me or he really decided to forget me or maybe he doesn’t really know me at all. Questioning things that maybe he didn’t really like me from the first place. Then one day, life started to play. Mr. D’s girlfriend was in the cold kitchen. And me and my friend decided to be in there too, to kill time. But then, I heard them saying, “He’s coming.” Then, it strucked me. Mr. D is coming in the cold kitchen and I was there. I will see him with his girlfriend. Then he came and it hurts to see them together. I want to be invisible at that time. Life is playful isn’t it. Then one day as we became close. Exchanging laughs and stories. This feelings for Mr. D started to slowly heal. I was being fine. And one day, I heard, Mr. D and his girl break up. I must be happy right? They just lasted for months. But I’m not, ’cause the feelings already fade away. And that time, I was just being friends with Mr. Admiration was lost. Just being friends. But one day, he started to treat me differently. He’s using his friend’s phone to text me. Saying things like, “Have a good day. Smile always.” I knew it, because one day an unknown number texted and i asked, “Who’s this?” And it replied, “Oh, sorry, Mr. used my phone again.” And more unknown numbers, and I didn’t ask anymore, ’cause I know it’s him. Then, I started to notice him. He talked to me more often. Started sitting beside me. Near me. Then one day, my friend said, the one who introduced him to me, “I like Mr. but I think Mr. just likes me as a friend.” And me and my other friend said, “We’ll help you with that”. I said that because I know, I just have plain feelings for him. But why slowly, I noticed I started to fall. I must not, I don’t want to eat my words. But Mr. talks to me everyday in school, laughs and made jokes. How can I stop this? I must avoid him. And I tried. But that would be noticeable. Because he knew he didn’t do anything wrong, so why avoid him? So, I just continued to be the same. And I hate this feeling, it continued to grew deeper. And he started to held my hands, every time he talked to me. Then one day, my professor was mad at me and I become a center of attention in a while. And I cried after that. That class ended, and he walk out of the room with his friend first. Me and my friend was just there at their back walking to the next class. Suddenly his friend go back, and Mr. sees me, hugged me unexpectedly and said, “That’s okay.” I was shocked at that moment, I don’t know what to react. It’s a whirlwind of events. My friend jokingly said, “What’s that? PBB teens?” It was in the middle of the corridor. Other people sees us. But I don’t care, he’s hugging me and I’m asking in my mind, why? Then he started to let go but hugged me again. Then he’s gone. I want to ask him why he did that. But he was sitted away from me at that next class. Until that day ended and I wasn’t able to ask him. Playful days continued to came, he talking beside me. Holding my hands when he’s talking to me, only to me (or maybe not). But our classmates is partnering them together, he and my friend who likes him. They said they’re good together. Yes, they are, they must be. And I’m just nothing. I’m just a friend and I will always be. They know each other long before me. But destiny played. We’re on a tour. We’re separated in vans. And guess what, he’s with me in the van. I never thought of that because we have different circle of friends. Two days seeing him. Two days of talking with him. And two days of him with our other friends, visiting our room in the hotel. How rude life is. And I hate it when that days ended, I secretly wished it didn’t . Two days of knowing and liking him more. We’re back to school and then again, they are pushing them together. I’m left out again. But I think life is playing, gone with him and our other friends finding ojt’s. He walking beside me while jokingly singing the “Princess and I” theme song. And the other days lasted like the same. Talking, sharing stories, he making jokes, he holding my hands, he sitting beside me. I remember one day, he tells me that he’d already read, “Mockingjay”, then tells me the story, but I don’t understand what his saying, I can’t, ’cause I can’t look in his eyes. This feelings swallows me. Then I felt that he got my hair and ties it into a braid. And I teased, “How did you know how to braid hair?.” I also remember him, fixing my bangs and said, “It looks good on you”. And I can’t look back too. I hate it. One time, some of our classmates we’re gone out of the room fixing our feasibilities, me and my friend were one of the people left in the room and he came back with his friend, suddenly he sat beside me and talked to me, he jokes as he always does then suddenly the topic went to Taylor Swift, he asked me to sing, “I’d Lie”, but I said, “I forget the tune and the starting lyrics, how about you? I know you’re addicted to korean things, sing some.” So, he sang a korean song that I don’t know. He’s amazing, he knows the lyrics and he knows how to read “Hangeul”, but he says, he doesn’t know what it all means, and he can write some of the basic korean language too. I envy him, I also want to learn those things. Few more last days of regular classes before our ojt’s, I remember one moment, I’m just sitting quietly in my chair, suddenly he came towards me and touched my chin. I was not in one of my good moods, so I ignored him. And he just walked away. Then my group leader invited me to go with him to print our feasibility. But I refused. Minutes later, someone texted, it’s my group leader, and the text left me puzzled. It contains the words, ‘I love you.’ It was sent twice. I’m about to reply, ‘Hey, have you finished printing our feasibility? And who’s with you?’, but I didn’t. So I just started to think, my group leader will not text that. And I’d thought who was with him? My first conclusion was Mr. I glanced to his seat, his not there. I look at the whole room, his not around. I need to find out. Nice timing, it was break time, so I invited my friend to buy foods. And as we are looking for a stall where to buy, I saw my group leader with him. My group leader saw me too, and insisted me to come with them, but I don’t want, I’m hungry and we need to buy food. That day just ended without finally asking. And the very last day of regular classes came, it’s his birthday. Hours, classes passed by and it’s the last class. He and his friends brought their shirt and we put messages on it. I can’t quite remember what I wrote on his but it contains, ‘Happy Birthday!’. Last day, last moments, group pictures and goodbyes. But before that day ended, outside there was a commotion done by our classmates. I didn’t bother knowing what that is all about but my friend said it was Mr. with my friend who has a crush on him. They are forcing them to hug. There was teasing and shouts. And I just pretended to be not aware of what’s happening. As always I’m just one simple girl in love with him. Then ojt days came, we’re so busy with it because it’s part of the final requirements for graduation. We didn’t see each other for so long. We just saw each other again a few weeks before graduation because there was an awarding ceremony held for scholars. It was the last day I’m gonna wear my uniform, and it was the day I’m gonna see him again. I was nervous that day ‘cause I don’t know what will I do once I saw him, so I just slowly walk to the elevator going to the theater. But suddenly, they popped up from that elevator, he was there with my other classmates. I was surprised and I didn’t know what to respond ‘cause I’m not really ready to see him again. Gladly, he started the conversation saying, “How are you? You look like you became taller.” And then I smiled and say, “Nope, I’m not. I’m just wearing shoes with heels.” Then we talk, and I asked them why does they come back. It turns out that we must enter on the other side of the theater, which is in the front of the school. So we get out of the school, and as we are going to the entrance of the theater, we are surprised to see, there was a long line. So we fall in line, as we are waiting for our turn to enter, he talks and I just listened. I seldom talk. I just let him speak. And I hate the butterflies. When we’ve entered, we walked towards the escalator going up but he suddenly noticed that it was crowded. He was walking beside me at that time. Then he jokingly asked, “Let’s just take the stairs?” but I said, “Then you go, I will take the escalator.” Soon as we are already inside the theater, I go away from him and started to search for my seat because we’re arranged alphabetically. But truly one of the main reasons is I need to get away from him as soon as possible ‘cause I need to stop this feeling and also because my friend who likes him is also there. I was seated in the row with the surnames in R and he was seated somewhere above me. My other friend who became my classmate in the previous semester is also there. And I’m somewhat near him. I talked to him, asked him how he was and other things. I act as if Mr. is not there. In short, I’m making him feel jealous. Haha. I’m bad at that time. I just really need to avoid him. As the awarding ceremony ended, I waited for Mr. and our other classmates, ‘cause my other friend already went out first. As we are out of the theater, our classmates went to comfort rooms and I’m left with Mr. He approached me and started to say my nickname, the nickname he’d given me. But it was taking long before he speak again and because I can’t take the pressure, I went to the comfort room too. How rude of me. I left him. The days go on, and our graduation day came. It was held at the PICC. We are the morning batch for graduation. As I went inside the PICC, we still need to fall in line for arrangement. Graduates with honors are first in line and are seated in the front of PICC. I was a cum laude and he was too. And because our surnames are R and S, I’m near him. When he saw me, he said hello and I just smiled. I want to take a picture at that time but I left my phone to my parents because my dress doesn’t have any pockets and it was irritating, it was a special day and maybe the last day I’ll see him, and I can’t take pictures with him. Then again the feelings overcome, so I just divert my attention to my other friend. I was trying to ignore him but he was like saying something that caught my attention. His graduation sash wasn’t placed appropriately and in my mind I want to fix it. But I don’t have my pins with me. Now, it’s a wrong decision to leave my things to my parents. So, I just faced at the front, accepting the fact that I can’t do anything about it and because we don’t have something to talk about. After minutes of silence, I felt that there was something going wrong, I’m having a glimpse in my peripheral vision that he is holding hands with someone I really don’t know but hers is a familiar face. Trying to hide my feelings of jealousy I just faced them and he saw me. He suddenly asked me, “Do you want me to help you too?” Due to these unexpected turn of events, I just said, “Nope, I’m okay.” And I immediately turn my back onto them. My God, turns out he is just helping her to stand because her feet is sore due to her high heels. I might go insane. And I want to say, “Girl, don’t wear high heels if you can’t manage wearing it.” More minutes passed by, the ceremony is starting, so we started to walk going to the PICC auditorium. As we are walking, my mind is thinking I want to glimpse at him, but I’m controlling myself and saying no. When we are already in our respective seats, the opening ceremony started. Awards are given. Graduates had been given their diplomas. But during those times, we are always talking to each other while waiting in the sides. One moment, he said, “My hands are cold. Hold it.” So because I want to, I hold it. But my hands are cold too. We’re not compatible. While I’m holding hands with him, there’s just silence. Neither one of us want to speak. All of a sudden there’s something whispering in my mind, ‘you’re parents are just near, they’re seeing you, they’re asking who is that boy.’ Those thoughts engulfed my mind so I immediately removed my hands. I decided to let go. The remaining parts of the graduating ceremony go on. There’s silence. No more talking. We’re separated. Just glimpses. Hours, minutes, passed by so quickly, until the ceremony has ended. Now, we’re proclaimed all graduates. There’s tossing of caps, laughs, shouts and ushering us into the outside ‘cause there’s another batch of graduating students. I was lost, nowhere to go at that time, I don’t know where my friends and parents are. It’s a disaster, no more picture-taking, thinking they may have already gone home. And there were so many people. So I just decided to go out in the nearest exit and I saw my parents waiting for me outside. I immediately get my phone and texted my friend. “Where are you? I’m near here the exit.” No reply, so I decided to call. “Hello, where are you? Let’s take a picture. Where are the others?” A boy answered, “Your friend left me her cellphone. I also don’t know where she is.” It turns out, it’s my friend’s boyfriend, I forgot she also left her phone to her companions. “Ah okay, I’ll just find her.” As I ended the call, a text appeared, “M’s with me, we’re near the exit, she’s finding you.” It’s him. It’s Mr. So I replied, “Which exit? I’m also near the exit.” Then I wait for a reply. No more reply. So I just decided to roam the grounds and find them. Then I found my friends, bringing back the graduation gowns. It’s was a long line so I just waited for them. I’ll just bring back the gown later. Me and my friends took pictures. And after that, they immediately went back to their companions. I lined up to bring back the gown. As I was waiting for my turn, Mr. appeared out of nowhere and asked me, “Do you see them?” He’s pertaining to our other classmates, his group of friends. Then I said, “There.” Pointing to where they are. Then he ran onto them. When I’ve already brought back the gown, I saw him bid goodbye to our other classmates. I glanced at him, but I think he didn’t saw me or he just didn’t know I’m there or he just really ignored me. And I really don’t know. So I just went back to my parents and went home. And that was the last time I saw his face. Or maybe not. Until now.
Social networks have just been the ways we talked. He will sometimes like my statuses on Facebook or message me. Reply to my twitter or favorite my tweets. Or love my photos on Instagram. I’m always waiting for him. I was always. I don’t have the guts to be the first to start the conversation. Or I’m just having too much pride. But there were really times, I almost do. I’m just stopping myself. Those times I’ve been with him, I really wanted to ask what I was really to him. A friend or more. Actually, there were more questions crammed in my mind. But I wasn’t able to ask. And there were some reasons maybe why, either because my other friend likes him, or I’m just really afraid. And now I think it’s all too late to ask, so many times has passed by, and so many things has happened. I’ve also told my friends about this, and I listened to their advices. They had asked me one question, “Does he do it only to you?” That was a hard question and I was asking in my mind, “Does he really? ‘cause I just see is him, only him. He’s the only one that mattered at that time. I’m trapped and I can’t escape. Or maybe he does it too to others but I don’t seem to noticed or i just don’t care because I can’t accept the truth and I prefer lying to myself.” So they said, “Just move on, it’s better.” That’s it, I’ve been doing it so many times, but he just keeps on coming back. Just one hello and I’m back again to zero. But I’m promising myself this time, “Yes, you must, even though it’s hard. Don’t let your hopes up again.”
And I must admit there’s still what if’s and buts’. So many questions. What if I asked, would it change a thing? What if I spoke, would we still be the same like this? It’s hard to forget someone when he is one of the reason of your happiness. When he is always there if you’re down cheering you up, giving you words of wisdom, teaching you to make fun most of your life. And avoiding him is like draining out my happiness. But I most do. It’s better.
Now, I’m just writing this story not to share but to make myself realize that maybe it’s not really what it was. Maybe, this is just some kind of desirable dream that prevents me from waking up. Or maybe some things are just not really meant to be.
Ps: This story is posted with a picture of the message he wrote on a mini planner he gave. (I erased the picture for privacy purposes) And a ring he also gave, actually that was two (the other was given to my friend, M), the other was a black ring inscribed with korean words in hangeul. The one that given to me was a silver ring, he said that ring was from his high school friend and he just asked for it. One time, he said it fell while they were swimming, and he really looked for it even he didn’t know how to swim, he tells he almost drowned upon getting it. I don’t know if that story is true ‘cause he’s kinda smiling while telling that story and I know him, he likes to joke. But I believed him anyway.