The Breakdown.

On the way home, all tired from work
Earphones on as always, listening to music
Soothing words echoing in her ears
Humming to the rhythm and beat in her mind
Until she felt sleepy and falls asleep
Suddenly she wakes up thought she’d slept too much
But she found out she’s still miles away from home
The music still blasting on her ears
She’s absorbing the lyrics of each song
The vehicle she’s riding on passed by the expressway
Seen the billboards and beautiful lights
Then she’d thought, ‘Travel is nice’
‘Sightseeing makes it better’
She is having a downtime
All of a sudden it’s all coming back
There she tries to fall asleep again but she can’t
Staring at the window
She’s stuck in traffic feeling uneasy
All she want is to get home and rest
The delay is just making it worst
She’s facing back and forth don’t know what to do
The song still in her ears, lyrics echoing in her brain
She needs to be home
Until at last she’s near to her stop
She decided to go down and just walk
She’s walking alone in the dark
One more ride she’s finally home
She rode the trike, then she’s at their front gate,
Tried to fake a smile to people in their backyard
She walked upstairs and get straight to her room
The pain and sorrow she coped with for so long hurts her again
There she breaks down
The words still repeating from her earphones
Until tears drop from her eyes
She’s questioning everything
Asking what happened?
There she realized she’s not really been okay at all
She’s still longing for him
She misses him
And asked, “Will he never return?’
‘Please don’t, come back’
And that’s when the girl with a smile was destroyed again last night.

Are we wasting time talking on a broken line?
Telling you I haven’t seen your face in ages
I feel like we’re as close as strangers
Won’t give up, even though it hurts so much
Every night I’m losing you in a thousand faces
Now it feels we’re as close as strangers
-5 Seconds of Summer (Close as Strangers)

PS: Sorry if i break what i said earlier, that i will now post happy thoughts in my blog. It’s just i came to the point of breaking down, of crying again, that my heart and mind can’t take it anymore. Maybe it’s just really a part of moving on.

His Girl.

Innocent and vulnerable
Shy and timid
One nerdy girl in the corner
Who seldom speaks
And she was his girl
But she was no longer

Stands tall and slim
With a straight hair and bangs
Fair complexion that made her look like a doll
A face with a smile that few people see
And she was his girl
But she was no longer

Listens intently to his words of wisdom
Laughs within his jokes
Believes in his countless stories
Captivated by his ways
And she was his girl
But she was no longer

Loves him within the distance
Likes him to be around
Always talking beside her
Allows him to hold her hand anytime
And she was his girl
But she was no longer

He compliments her
Texts her whenever he wants to
Made her feel safe and happy
‘Cause she thought he misses and thinks of her
And she was his girl
But she was no longer

Then one day he’s gone
And the next second he was there again
She loves him wholeheartedly
That made her act insane
And she was his girl
But she was no longer

Then the world made her see the truth
Realizing every little thing is not what she thought it was
Still smiling with a broken heart
Telling herself it’s gonna be okay
And she was his girl
But she was no longer

They’re been going back and forth
They made love a game
And there she was destroyed
He made her feel left out
And she was his girl
But she was no longer

She broke down
But decided to stand up
Been the girl she never thought she can
Stronger and wiser than she ever was
And I was his girl
But I was no longer.

Fine Line.

There’s a fine line between going back and not going back. I want him to come back ’cause truly I’m missing him, I miss everything he does for me and the way he never failed to make me smile but so many things have changed now that makes me also say for him to not come back, like my life’s better now and I’m happy with what I have, and I’ve lived for 20 years without knowing him and I know that I can do it now too. But I think I became so very used to, that he was always there, that every single thought of him still gives me pain. I need to go on with life and enjoy every second of it without bothering my mind with thoughts of him but I hated it that he gave me so much to remember that it makes it hard for me to forget him faster. But I know by myself that I can do it, it’s just I must not think of him in every single thing that I’m doing that has a connection with him, that not everything I do is all about him, that there’s other people too that does the same and he’s not the only one. I must make myself believe that there’s much better out there and that life’s more fun than I knew it was. That’s life is better if you’ve learned to live with it without making out the rules but by living it in God’s terms.

The Last Straw.

This was written last December. The month when i’ve felt so lost and alone.

Dear Mr,
Hey how you’ve been? I guess you’re doing fine. Sorry, I don’t have enough guts to talk to you so I’ve decided to write this letter. I remember the first time I knew you. I don’t know if you still remember that but I do, but I must admit it’s not that clearly and all I know is I was staring at you as I waving goodbye. We’re looking innocent and never thought we would be this close. I’m thinking now maybe we have already that special connection since then.

Days, weeks, months easily passed by we’re getting closer and closer each day. I know this sound ridiculous but I would like to admit I had a crush on you since then. I admire you’re jokes, they’d made me laugh, even some are corny. You’re kindness, you’re courage. But things changed, I would like to say my admiration for you got lost but I’ve noticed you’ve changed your treatment to me. Does it really changed? Or it just I’ve been assuming? Then you started to hold my hands, texts me positive words everyday to cheer me up (even you’re using your friends phones, but I know it’s you, I just don’t speak up.) I also remember that day I’ve cried because our professor became mad at me, I wasn’t expecting for your comfort but you hugged me anyway, in the middle of the hallway. It was special. I really wanna ask you that next class why you did that but you’re far away until I’ve never asked. Sorry, for not asking. More days like that until I’ve noticed I’m falling hard. So many times I want to ask, I want to know, I want to hear. But fear engulfed me from within. And our classmates are partnering you to Ms. and I can’t do anything about it, you look better together while I’m just a quiet, shy, nerdy girl in the corner that no one notices. But life was playful isn’t it? I’ve been with you for almost two days during the Palawan tour. I’m seeing you everyday and I was sad when the tour was over, wish it last like that forever, being with you. Then ojt days came, haven’t see you for so long. I wish I joined the 2go ojt, then I can have more time with you. But I haven’t. Then a chance to see you again came up, the awarding ceremony for scholars, I was really not ready to see you again at that time, I was thinking what to say. But you and our other classmates suddenly showed up, seeing you face to face again, you talking beside me. I remember when the ceremony ended, and as we are waiting for our classmates who’ve gone to the comfort rooms, you and I were left, and you were like gonna say something, because you said the nickname you gave me, but you took so long to continue and I can’t take the pressure, so I just went to the comfort room instead. But you know what I really wanted to hear what would you say and sorry for leaving you there. Never saw you again after that, until the graduation day came, last day to see you, last day to talk and be with you but sorry I ruined it, I’m just been really afraid, but I really want to fix your graduation gown, took a picture with you, and mostly hold your hands. But I’m such a fool, too afraid to take a risk. And I was just watching you as you leave.

If you’re gonna ask me now, I’m gonna say the truth, for this almost past 1 year and 8 months I haven’t seen you, I’ve been really trying to forget you, to be mad at you, to made this feelings go away but I really can’t. I was really asking myself why do I like you this much? You gave me pain but at the same time you gave me happiness. How ironic.

A Bomb Detonated.

I’m like a bomb already detonated. Last time, I’d already exploded and some of the people around me caught the most pieces, witnessed the breakdown, the suffering and he almost felt it, ‘cause he only got some of the pieces, in terms of harm, he just got bruises.

Now, a bomb detonated, I can say the coast is almost clear. Yes, there were still traces of him. ‘Cause truly, I don’t’ want him to be really gone in my life. I want a part of him to stay. But I think he made a choice to slip away. And I can’t do nothing about it. So, all I can do for now, is to wait for him to come back and completely prove he wasn’t really gone at all.

You guys may think that I’m still might be really inlove with him with these thoughts I’m writing on, but let me clarify, yes, I’m longing for him, missing him, but because of the hurt and pain I’ve gone through, I just want my heart to rest for now and enjoy life in the most possible way. ‘Cause I believe if two people are really meant for each other, they’ll find their way back.

So, these past few days music and food are just the two things that gives me happiness and life right now. I’m also focusing on my career path and trying to spend most of my time coping up with my friends and family. And because it’s a new year, I made rules for myself and I hope I can stand up for it not just until the end of the year but also for the rest of my life. And these were the rules I made up for now and I might add more as the days of these year progresses. 1. Be fearless. 2. Be happy and enjoy life. 3. Be contented with what you have.

And now you’ve read this, I will try to write positive thoughts from now on. Oh, not just try, I will. 

“I’VE FALLEN BUT I’VE DECIDED TO STAND UP AND SMILE. IT FEELS BETTER.”

Comeback.

Hey guys, how yah doing? I think I’ve been gone for such a long time. I guess I’ve just had something we called writer’s block. Because those past few days I’ve been in such a whirlwind of emotions that I don’t know what I’m feeling, I don’t know what to say or think, all I want during those times was to talk to people around me, to told my story, to hear their opinions, to read my unsent letter and mostly was to talk to him, ‘cause I think he was slipping, gripping away and I want to hold on but I think things were already late.

Last Christmas, I had some late night conversations with my college classmates who knew him, they were like saying, ‘maybe you can be together, he’s single and you too’, but I said, ‘don’t push things, if it is meant to be it will.’ So instead they just suggested, greet him, it’s Christmas anyway. So that morning I’ve pm him on facebook, he responded at first, greeted back, but the conversation didn’t last, he didn’t replied anymore and the worst is, he’d never try to read my next message, and I start to wonder, why he’s being like that, acting cold, and there I was again, over thinking things. Some we’re saying, ‘maybe he’s just busy’ but I said, ‘no he wasn’t, he’s online almost every day’, and then again I let him hurt me. I’ve also told my story to my other friends and they said, ‘if he want to talk to you, he will, if he likes you, he’ll make an effort, you’ve just been assuming.’ Okay, yes, maybe or really I am, assuming it is. So I think too much after that, I had a breakdown, I cried once but after that I said to myself, ‘stop crying ana, enjoy life, you still had you’re friends and family.’ During the next days, I vent out myself in music, food, my friends and family. Then I’ve realized what I already had. They’re enough.