The Last Straw.

This was written last December. The month when i’ve felt so lost and alone.

Dear Mr,
Hey how you’ve been? I guess you’re doing fine. Sorry, I don’t have enough guts to talk to you so I’ve decided to write this letter. I remember the first time I knew you. I don’t know if you still remember that but I do, but I must admit it’s not that clearly and all I know is I was staring at you as I waving goodbye. We’re looking innocent and never thought we would be this close. I’m thinking now maybe we have already that special connection since then.

Days, weeks, months easily passed by we’re getting closer and closer each day. I know this sound ridiculous but I would like to admit I had a crush on you since then. I admire you’re jokes, they’d made me laugh, even some are corny. You’re kindness, you’re courage. But things changed, I would like to say my admiration for you got lost but I’ve noticed you’ve changed your treatment to me. Does it really changed? Or it just I’ve been assuming? Then you started to hold my hands, texts me positive words everyday to cheer me up (even you’re using your friends phones, but I know it’s you, I just don’t speak up.) I also remember that day I’ve cried because our professor became mad at me, I wasn’t expecting for your comfort but you hugged me anyway, in the middle of the hallway. It was special. I really wanna ask you that next class why you did that but you’re far away until I’ve never asked. Sorry, for not asking. More days like that until I’ve noticed I’m falling hard. So many times I want to ask, I want to know, I want to hear. But fear engulfed me from within. And our classmates are partnering you to Ms. and I can’t do anything about it, you look better together while I’m just a quiet, shy, nerdy girl in the corner that no one notices. But life was playful isn’t it? I’ve been with you for almost two days during the Palawan tour. I’m seeing you everyday and I was sad when the tour was over, wish it last like that forever, being with you. Then ojt days came, haven’t see you for so long. I wish I joined the 2go ojt, then I can have more time with you. But I haven’t. Then a chance to see you again came up, the awarding ceremony for scholars, I was really not ready to see you again at that time, I was thinking what to say. But you and our other classmates suddenly showed up, seeing you face to face again, you talking beside me. I remember when the ceremony ended, and as we are waiting for our classmates who’ve gone to the comfort rooms, you and I were left, and you were like gonna say something, because you said the nickname you gave me, but you took so long to continue and I can’t take the pressure, so I just went to the comfort room instead. But you know what I really wanted to hear what would you say and sorry for leaving you there. Never saw you again after that, until the graduation day came, last day to see you, last day to talk and be with you but sorry I ruined it, I’m just been really afraid, but I really want to fix your graduation gown, took a picture with you, and mostly hold your hands. But I’m such a fool, too afraid to take a risk. And I was just watching you as you leave.

If you’re gonna ask me now, I’m gonna say the truth, for this almost past 1 year and 8 months I haven’t seen you, I’ve been really trying to forget you, to be mad at you, to made this feelings go away but I really can’t. I was really asking myself why do I like you this much? You gave me pain but at the same time you gave me happiness. How ironic.

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