Bibliophilia.

A safe haven for me and you

In every turn of the page

Slowly characters came to life in our own senses

Until we’re constantly dissolved into them

Breathe in their continuous fantasies

Enchanting landscapes

Nostalgic memories

And the curve their faces make

In every persona we found an imprint of ourselves

Understanding more what others don’t

Felt every print of words and letters

Exclamations, commas and colons

Inhaled the lovely smell brought by those tiny sheets

Until we’re halfway through the book

Continually guessing with curiosity what happens next

Undecided whether to take a peek on those ending lines

But we feared what the last thoughts would be all about

‘Cause we’re still lost in the pleasing storyline

It’s a dreamy world were possibilities are not lies

Finding we’re now in its edges

Worried it might just drift away

Since we’re living onto them

Imagination is better than reality

Yet we need to awake from it

Still it’s such a great escape.

Love.

Love gave so much feels
An indescribable, roller coaster of emotions
Like having a cuddly pet
I cared
Like picking a favorite niece
I loved
Like reading a beautiful book
I went dissolved
Like a range of puzzles
I was clueless
Like the rays of sunlight
I get blinded
Like the sensation of a sting
I felt numb
Like the winter nights
I got cold
Like the tinge of a burn
I feel pained
Like a chipped mug
I seemed broken
Like falling asleep
I know soon I’ll be waking up.

Fell Or Been In Love?

Have you fallen in love or have you been in love? A question isn’t it? And it may just look like the same but really it isn’t. There is a huge difference. When you fall in love you may fall out of love. And once you had fall out love, you may come out like nothing happened, no scars, no ache, no regrets, past is the past for you and if it’s over it’s over. While when you’ve been in love, you’re in love as in really, and if it ends, it would leave you a deep wound that will take too long before it heals, you’ll have those traces of pain, ache, it would leave you stained, like that person you loved left an imprint in you and it’s not that easy to shake it off.

Illusion.

This night I feel so alone. And I wish I did not exist. So I’m acting like an invisible person tonight. I don’t want to make any sounds. I don’t want to bother them, especially my father, who is labeling me tonight an insane one. So I just decided to wear the ring Mr. gave me. And I had reasons for this. He was the person that made me feel safe. He was the person who told me that’s when something wrong it’s just okay. He was the person who said that if you’re having a bad day today, eventually everything would be okay tomorrow. He was the person who never failed to made me laugh and smile even I’m really sad. He was the person who always cheered me up. He was my positivity. But then I’ve remembered he was already gone. And I’ve reminded how stupid I am. To believe that he likes me. Wish he just didn’t do those things. Wish he didn’t hugged me or held my hands. Or wish he doesn’t get close to me that much if he would just leave. He must haven’t gave me those butterflies if he would just turn them into dust. He must haven’t brought me happiness if he would just make it into pain. I must haven’t let him in. ‘Cause the hole he left kills. He was just an illusion that my mind made up.

The Unwanted.

The worst thing a person will feel is being an outcast in his/her own family.

Just finished from a good cry, no I don’t think I am, ’cause tears just keep on flowing, it’s the worst cry, like all the tears I kept from showing, burst out all at once, and I’ve felt the chest pains, the shiver of my hands, the numbness of my body. I want to stop this pain but I just can’t. It’s swallowing me.

Since I was young, my mother is the only one who was there for me. I seldom saw my father or talk to him. He rarely goes home. I do understand that ’cause he’s working far away from us. And it will take one flight before he would be finally home. Occassional talks, infrequent sightings. Maybe that’s why I was never close to him. Less informations about him. All I know is he was my father.

Once he went home, I try to meddle and bond with him but I never thought I would see him in a different light when an incident happened. Me and my older sister done something terrible that made him mad. We were at our old kitchen, he was screaming at us and he was saying the most undesirable words a child could hear, but the worst thing he did, he pointed us with a knife, we were so helpless and innocent at that time. Other relatives were there. And they don’t do anything, they just watched us two afraid children crying. After that incident, I can’t even handle a knife, I had a trauma with it. I carried that burden inside me, tried to understand and forget everything. As i was growing, i wanted to be a good daughter, following their every single rule, too afraid to make mistakes. My other sister was a wreck, she became a rebel, my father even chased her out of our house. And she wasn’t able to finish her studies.

As a lesson to be learned from my sister, I persisted on finishing my studies, I studied too hard. I said to myself, ‘I must not be like my sister, I must graduate.’ That’s when I put limit to myself. No going out with friends and no boyfriend.

When I’ve finished highschool, I chose to took BSHRM, my father was not into it, he wanted me to take engineering but I don’t want it. Because of that I thought I would never go to college, I cried and stayed in my room that whole day but I mustered myself to be brave to tell my father the course I wanted, finally he agreed. I decided to took college at a school in manila. I devoted myself to studies. Too fearful for the space of mistakes. Four years of study.  Until the graduation day came and I was a cum laude. Done with my studies and a latin honor, my parents would be happy. But truly, I don’t know why I was never happy for that honor. Maybe because I want something more. (I’m glad that course made me overcome my fear of the knife.)

After graduation, I didn’t know where to go next. Studies are over. And I don’t want to be a nuisance. For me, being useless is the worst thing. I wanted to be independent. I don’t want any penny from them. I need to find a job.

Over these things, in everything, I had a reason. I studied and worked far away from home ’cause I don’t want to be always at home. I want to be far away from that world. I always want to get out of it. Because really our house was never a home, it was a prison of bad things, a cave of my worst nightmares. Sometimes i came to the point that I want to leave home. Friends was really my home that’s why I really wanted to be with them than my family.

All my life I never asked for a reward. All I want is my parents being proud of me. I strive to be perfect even though I’m not. And this struggling kills. I have a choice to go abroad but I just can’t leave them. I want to be here as they get older. If I was never afraid of bloody things or things that suck, I would have taken nursing. They were all I was thinking of until now but it’s hard to hear that they don’t understand me. So I just kept on understanding everything. Especially my father. I would take his worst insults ’cause I have respect for him. And my parents are my number one priority.

I was never okay with my father, and maybe that’s the reason I would like to get close to the opposite gender. I want someone to made me feel safe. I was looking for a father material. I’ll admit I was jealous with children who has a tight bond with their father’s ’cause that’s what I never had.

I’m trying to understand everything that maybe he’s like that ’cause he’s getting older. I’m still believing that he would still change but I think he wouldn’t. Ever.

I’ve remembered months as I was waiting for my graduation, my other sister has a fight again with him, my father almost strangled her, I didn’t see it but I can hear the screams and mad voices. Those noises gave me chills like the trauma is coming back to me.

I was really thinking he’s acting mad at me because I was an unwanted child. I was the youngest but there’s the ten year gap with my other sister. I was also thinking maybe I was just adopted, ’cause I really didn’t look like my parents. I was so different.

This time all I’m dreaming is that my mother would see me cry and hugged me, she would be courageous enough to fight for me against my father and she would say that she understands me and would believe that I’m different from what my father said. But I know that would be the one of the impossible things. I’ve remembered my mother even went abroad to take care of my father. She choose him over me.

Sometimes I’m thinking could I just get crazy or be an abnormal so I would not felt these hurting. Or maybe die so that they don’t have someone to think about anymore. But once I’ve thought of these things, still they were really I’m thinking of.

Hope one day, I would have enough money to buy my own house, have my own business and fully stand in my own so I could get my mother, siblings out of this hell.

When something bad happens, I would usually stopped myself from crying at that certain time. I would piled up everything and once I’m alone in my room I would just cry silently in a corner. I never wanted someone to see me weak. I never wanted them to see my tears. I want everyone to see me as a strong person. That’s why I’ve learned to fake a smile. And I have a tagline, ‘It’s okay that I would be the one hurting than the people I loved.’ Other people’s happiness matters more to me than my own. Their happiness is my happiness.

With these hardships and pain I’ve been, hope people would understand if i’m full of negativity, if i lose hope, or if I seldom believe or trust people. And if I’ve given someone trust, hope they don’t waste the chance I gave them.Trusting people really matters to me and I seldom gave them out. So please if I gave you that trust please take care of it.

Signs.

Fondly fond of signs
Surprised to knew that you were there before I met you
The world suddenly held into a stop when I’ve seen you
I was staring that I want to know you in that split second
Like I don’t want to let go
Same interests brought us closer
Characteristics that we’re so alike
Funny to find out that you’re just ten days older from me
Humor, intelligence that I love
Felt the change of your ways to me
That made me comfortable and safe with you
Then i fell so hard
You’re a magnet, and the gravity’s pulling me into you
It’s hard to stay away
Life has put us in a test
But I gave in
Afraid to ask you
Monsters within
Trap of questions
Until we’re too torn away
Difficult to put it all back now
You’ve been tired of trying
So you surrendered
And I’m left wasted
Ghost that what’s left of you
Traces, outlines that I can’t touch
Thinking too deeply
Maybe your time’s up
Now, it’s my turn.