The worst thing a person will feel is being an outcast in his/her own family.
Just finished from a good cry, no I don’t think I am, ’cause tears just keep on flowing, it’s the worst cry, like all the tears I kept from showing, burst out all at once, and I’ve felt the chest pains, the shiver of my hands, the numbness of my body. I want to stop this pain but I just can’t. It’s swallowing me.
Since I was young, my mother is the only one who was there for me. I seldom saw my father or talk to him. He rarely goes home. I do understand that ’cause he’s working far away from us. And it will take one flight before he would be finally home. Occassional talks, infrequent sightings. Maybe that’s why I was never close to him. Less informations about him. All I know is he was my father.
Once he went home, I try to meddle and bond with him but I never thought I would see him in a different light when an incident happened. Me and my older sister done something terrible that made him mad. We were at our old kitchen, he was screaming at us and he was saying the most undesirable words a child could hear, but the worst thing he did, he pointed us with a knife, we were so helpless and innocent at that time. Other relatives were there. And they don’t do anything, they just watched us two afraid children crying. After that incident, I can’t even handle a knife, I had a trauma with it. I carried that burden inside me, tried to understand and forget everything. As i was growing, i wanted to be a good daughter, following their every single rule, too afraid to make mistakes. My other sister was a wreck, she became a rebel, my father even chased her out of our house. And she wasn’t able to finish her studies.
As a lesson to be learned from my sister, I persisted on finishing my studies, I studied too hard. I said to myself, ‘I must not be like my sister, I must graduate.’ That’s when I put limit to myself. No going out with friends and no boyfriend.
When I’ve finished highschool, I chose to took BSHRM, my father was not into it, he wanted me to take engineering but I don’t want it. Because of that I thought I would never go to college, I cried and stayed in my room that whole day but I mustered myself to be brave to tell my father the course I wanted, finally he agreed. I decided to took college at a school in manila. I devoted myself to studies. Too fearful for the space of mistakes. Four years of study. Until the graduation day came and I was a cum laude. Done with my studies and a latin honor, my parents would be happy. But truly, I don’t know why I was never happy for that honor. Maybe because I want something more. (I’m glad that course made me overcome my fear of the knife.)
After graduation, I didn’t know where to go next. Studies are over. And I don’t want to be a nuisance. For me, being useless is the worst thing. I wanted to be independent. I don’t want any penny from them. I need to find a job.
Over these things, in everything, I had a reason. I studied and worked far away from home ’cause I don’t want to be always at home. I want to be far away from that world. I always want to get out of it. Because really our house was never a home, it was a prison of bad things, a cave of my worst nightmares. Sometimes i came to the point that I want to leave home. Friends was really my home that’s why I really wanted to be with them than my family.
All my life I never asked for a reward. All I want is my parents being proud of me. I strive to be perfect even though I’m not. And this struggling kills. I have a choice to go abroad but I just can’t leave them. I want to be here as they get older. If I was never afraid of bloody things or things that suck, I would have taken nursing. They were all I was thinking of until now but it’s hard to hear that they don’t understand me. So I just kept on understanding everything. Especially my father. I would take his worst insults ’cause I have respect for him. And my parents are my number one priority.
I was never okay with my father, and maybe that’s the reason I would like to get close to the opposite gender. I want someone to made me feel safe. I was looking for a father material. I’ll admit I was jealous with children who has a tight bond with their father’s ’cause that’s what I never had.
I’m trying to understand everything that maybe he’s like that ’cause he’s getting older. I’m still believing that he would still change but I think he wouldn’t. Ever.
I’ve remembered months as I was waiting for my graduation, my other sister has a fight again with him, my father almost strangled her, I didn’t see it but I can hear the screams and mad voices. Those noises gave me chills like the trauma is coming back to me.
I was really thinking he’s acting mad at me because I was an unwanted child. I was the youngest but there’s the ten year gap with my other sister. I was also thinking maybe I was just adopted, ’cause I really didn’t look like my parents. I was so different.
This time all I’m dreaming is that my mother would see me cry and hugged me, she would be courageous enough to fight for me against my father and she would say that she understands me and would believe that I’m different from what my father said. But I know that would be the one of the impossible things. I’ve remembered my mother even went abroad to take care of my father. She choose him over me.
Sometimes I’m thinking could I just get crazy or be an abnormal so I would not felt these hurting. Or maybe die so that they don’t have someone to think about anymore. But once I’ve thought of these things, still they were really I’m thinking of.
Hope one day, I would have enough money to buy my own house, have my own business and fully stand in my own so I could get my mother, siblings out of this hell.
When something bad happens, I would usually stopped myself from crying at that certain time. I would piled up everything and once I’m alone in my room I would just cry silently in a corner. I never wanted someone to see me weak. I never wanted them to see my tears. I want everyone to see me as a strong person. That’s why I’ve learned to fake a smile. And I have a tagline, ‘It’s okay that I would be the one hurting than the people I loved.’ Other people’s happiness matters more to me than my own. Their happiness is my happiness.
With these hardships and pain I’ve been, hope people would understand if i’m full of negativity, if i lose hope, or if I seldom believe or trust people. And if I’ve given someone trust, hope they don’t waste the chance I gave them.Trusting people really matters to me and I seldom gave them out. So please if I gave you that trust please take care of it.