I felt miserable last night and cried. Tried to calm myself by watching. I laughed a little but really I just felt sad. I stared into the distance. But tears kept building on my eyes. I blinked then there they were falling. I turned off the television. Crawled on my bed. Weeping, I fell asleep. I woke up at 4am shut the light and laptop off that I left open that night. Then that frustrating feeling came back. Wanna fight it by having my earphones on. But still I cried, weeped and sobbed harder. Punched the wall and scratched myself. Cried, sobbed, weeped repeatedly. In my mind, I’m secretly hoping that someone would burst to the door and saw me. Ask why but I would stay silent. Even with no response would hug me tighter. But impossibly it will not happen. So I just lay under the sheets, bent myself feeling small. I wonder why I’m still breathing. I don’t wanna feel anymore. I want to get numb. Until I fell asleep again. Woke up at the alarm I set but I just wanna lay there and don’t exist. I slept for more. Woke up at lunch time and had my earphones on in full blast. I don’t wanna hear what the world says. Picked up lines in those songs which defined me. Got out of the room. Went to kitchen. Cleaned the dirty plates. Then there’s the scissor. I want to injure myself. Instead, I decided to skip lunch ‘because I had no really appetite for it. So I just had some juice and biscuit. Turn the wifi on my phone and respond to some messages. Turn the laptop on. Open the browser tab to youtube. Watched parodies and cat videos but they ain’t funny it can’t cheer me up. So I switched to articles like depression and loneliness. They don’t help me either. I felt crazy and I just want to smash and throw things everywhere. I saw the drinking glass and I wanted it to shatter into pieces and pierce into my skin. But it’s all in my mind. I proceed to the bathroom with my phone and earphones in full blast. I filled the bucket with water and tried to drown myself but got up and gasped for air. I sat on the cold wet floor and cry. I stare up the window. I felt cold but really I don’t want to feel anything. I just want to die. I got dressed up with the lights off and just wanna lay at my bed. But I need to get up for I have duties to do. A few hours later my brother is calling and I don’t pick it up at first. I don’t wanna talk to anyone. The next second, I got a message so I picked it up the next ring. He asked how I’m doing, I fell silent for I don’t know what to say. Should I say I’m okay when really am not? But I had no choice so I just said I’m okay. I sobbed a little and he asked if I’m crying, I don’t respond. He asked, ‘What’s the news?’ Silence again. I really don’t have the mood to talk. Glad he ended the conversation so soon. That’s the dumbest call I had. Bad timing. Then I felt rage. I glimpsed a bottle and I wanna smash it again. I wiped away that thought. Moments later, I heard something ringing it was my sister’s phone she left to me. My brother’s calling on it. Three times. I don’t pick it up. I chose to ignore it. I spent the rest of the night reading. One of my forms of escape. Eventually, I survived the day. It was such a tough day that I almost gave up but still I want to fight, even I just had that one percent of hope left.
Breaking down once in awhile is fine. Like having a flu, it just means that we’ve been through too much. We need to rest for a while, for the next days to come, we had enough strength to fight.
“I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left in me.”
-Fight Song, Rachel Platten