Hi guys, i know it’s been such a long long time since i’ve last posted here. And sometimes when i post something it takes such a month or longer than that. I don’t know if you can still call that i had a writer’s block but i think not. Actually, there are days that i wrote lines when i feel like to, when i had that bad times or good moments (but mostly it’s all about the worst) and there were a thousand drafts of unfinished poems, stories that i kept in my phone or laptop. Currently, i’m trying on finishing them but there were like a million things that i’ve been thinking about that i can’t concentrate on it. So i had this idea to just random type this thoughts on WordPress. Well, as i was typing this my head is throbbing and i don’t know. Okay. As to smoothen things out or as to lessen these problematic things in my head i will write it down here.
One of the things i’m worrying now is still having no job after months of looking, and i’m getting crazy over it now, my visa has to be renewed soon and there were circulating news that you can’t renew it in the same continent, it must be outside or you had to go home to your mother country. And i don’t know how to deal with it, i’m getting pressured and losing hope. If writing blogs can only help me earn money, how i wish.
Second, being currently unemployed, so you had to be in debt, borrowing money from my siblings, and thinking how to repay them back. It’s being dependent on people which i don’t want, because one of my goals in life is being independent, but what happened now, what happened to my life? It’s slapping me hard.
Third, thinking that leaving my home country for better experience and travel is a wrong idea, that maybe i had work now there if i don’t leave and i’m not being problematic at all now. Maybe i’m not wasting months and days just sleeping, eating and surfing the net. Maybe i had productive days and earning money already as well.
Fourth and maybe the last (but really there are lots in my brain but it’s aching and i can’t think well). I had this quote of thinking these past few days. ‘People don’t believe in me that’s why i don’t believe in myself either.’ It’s like, ‘How can you know when you don’t even try?’ And sometimes i don’t try ’cause they say i can’t, but really there were these times i wanna prove that i can. But there were lots of people weighing me down and now i don’t know where to place my self. I’m feeling hopeless and then there were the attacks of my depression nights that i had to fight. And plus my anxiety that people around me are talking worst things behind my back.
So there the list goes, and i hope this can somehow clear my mind. And i’m open for your honest opinions and advices, it may not be such a great help but maybe it can help me to decide and think well. You can comment here in my blog post or reach me on Twitter, i post daily there. And if you wanna see some photos i took, i’m on Instagram too. (I have this idea right now that you’re thinking that i just made this post as an excuse to plug my sites.)
And that’s it. Thanks for reading this useless post today in my blog. It kinda lessen the lump in my chest by having a small amount of your time to talk with because my life sucks right now and i’m not making any progress after two months had already passed this year.
Here’s to our well. 🙂
– Ana Reyes, your msmysterygirl223