Anxiety.

I hate the dark thoughts. They came again. They came all over again all at once. They’re consuming me and I can’t breathe. I’m suffocated. My head’s spinning. I wanna be alone, enclosed in a dark chamber. I feel like going crazy. Or maybe really crazy as they say or my father says. I’ve been piling it all up again inside me, the fears, the guilt, the madness. I’ve been staying quiet again for too long. I felt out of reach.

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Wrong Idea.

I smiled at you with my sad, tired looking eyes
That could be a waterfall in a spur of time
So I had to say goodbye and turn my back
‘Cause I know things were very wrong
But why I keep thinking it could be right?
I’m hurting and this should not be.

The Feeling.

Have you ever missed that feeling of butterflies in your stomach? That feeling you wished you could fly? That feeling where everything is fine and dandy? Well, I missed that feeling. Smiling, randomly looking some kind of idiot just because you’ve thought of someone. How their body next to you was like? How it felt when your skin touched? How to be wrapped up in their arms? The warmth of them radiating? How their hand fits perfectly with yours? It’s ridiculous but also a comfortable feeling. The feeling of falling in love with somebody and the most fun part of it was also them being in love with you. But sadly, he still doesn’t exist in my life. I think he’s still lost in some part of the world. Maybe stuck in there. Just kidding. Well, if ever he came sometime I would be glad to welcome him with my open arms. So wherever you are or whoever you are, I’m right here making myself the best for you.

Period. 

​’All the time i was looking for the end but all i see is a pause, a comma or a but, giving me reasons to bring it back once more, and there i tried to ignite it, i was a drench soul longing for your presence and then there was you, appearing in the lime light, so there i was a fool who wrote another line to bring it back to life, but you already put a period between the words. That was the end, the last. Hope no more. There’s no more gonna be you and i. There’s no you and i.’

-Ana Reyes

The Inevitable.

Hi guys, i know it’s been such a long long time since i’ve last posted here. And sometimes when i post something it takes such a month or longer than that. I don’t know if you can still call that i had a writer’s block but i think not. Actually, there are days that i wrote lines when i feel like to, when i had that bad times or good moments (but mostly it’s all about the worst) and there were a thousand drafts of unfinished poems, stories that i kept in my phone or laptop. Currently, i’m trying on finishing them but there were like a million things that i’ve been thinking about that i can’t concentrate on it. So i had this idea to just random type this thoughts on WordPress. Well, as i was typing this my head is throbbing and i don’t know. Okay. As to smoothen things out or as to lessen these problematic things in my head i will write it down here.

One of the things i’m worrying now is still having no job after months of looking, and i’m getting crazy over it now, my visa has to be renewed soon and there were circulating news that you can’t renew it in the same continent, it must be outside or you had to go home to your mother country. And i don’t know how to deal with it, i’m getting pressured and losing hope. If writing blogs can only help me earn money, how i wish.

Second, being currently unemployed, so you had to be in debt, borrowing money from my siblings, and thinking how to repay them back. It’s being dependent on people which i don’t want, because one of my goals in life is being independent, but what happened now, what happened to my life? It’s slapping me hard.

Third, thinking that leaving my home country for better experience and travel is a wrong idea, that maybe i had work now there if i don’t leave and i’m not being problematic at all now. Maybe i’m not wasting months and days just sleeping, eating and surfing the net. Maybe i had productive days and earning money already as well.

Fourth and maybe the last (but really there are lots in my brain but it’s aching and i can’t think well). I had this quote of thinking these past few days. ‘People don’t believe in me that’s why i don’t believe in myself either.’ It’s like, ‘How can you know when you don’t even try?’ And sometimes i don’t try ’cause they say i can’t, but really there were these times i wanna prove that i can. But there were lots of people weighing me down and now i don’t know where to place my self. I’m feeling hopeless and then there were the attacks of my depression nights that i had to fight. And plus my anxiety that people around me are talking worst things behind my back.

So there the list goes, and i hope this can somehow clear my mind. And i’m open for your honest opinions and advices, it may not be such a great help but maybe it can help me to decide and think well. You can comment here in my blog post or reach me on Twitter, i post daily there. And if you wanna see some photos i took, i’m on Instagram too. (I have this idea right now that you’re thinking that i just made this post as an excuse to plug my sites.)

And that’s it. Thanks for reading this useless post today in my blog. It kinda lessen the lump in my chest by having a small amount of your time to talk with because my life sucks right now and i’m not making any progress after two months had already passed this year.

Here’s to our well. 🙂

– Ana Reyes, your msmysterygirl223

Depression.

Depression is an unexplainable feeling. When bad things crept up inside, you’ll feel all of the worst feelings in the world at once. The monsters you thought that isn’t present, feeds up on those emotions and swallow you whole, they grew up inside of you. You’re becoming your own nightmare. You had these thoughts of self harm like punching the wall, cutting yourself or jumping off the ledge. Those ideas are demons inside your head, you had to fight off. Battle isn’t just outside, it’s also inside all of us. We’re also battling against ourselves. You might survive life outside but inside your slowly dying. Your feeling of being carved into shreds. You’re bleeding inside. Have a huge black hole seeping you up. Sometimes we really want having those bruises to show people that we’re broken inside too. To let them see the truth not just because they saw us fine outside, doesn’t mean we’re really okay. We want people to wonder. We want them to know. We want them to feel. We’re not robots who don’t feel anything, we’re humans who also felt fucked up and shit.

Fight them out. Curse. Shout. Listen to music. Write. Be weird. Be different. Be yourself.
Survive. Live. Scars show how strong you are.
I salute you. I love you.

Ps: I confess one of letting my anger out is crying and injuring myself, but one form of therapy I do for lessening it out is by writing them down. These are stories that prove I undergone these moments. These are written words which tell more what I can say.
Yes, we can still shout and scream it out. But mine’s to tell.

‘Grit your teeth, pull your hair,
Paint the walls black and scream, “Fuck the world
‘Cause it’s my life, I’m gonna take it back,”
And never for a second blame yourself.’
-Missing You, All Time Low

Fell Or Been In Love?

Have you fallen in love or have you been in love? A question isn’t it? And it may just look like the same but really it isn’t. There is a huge difference. When you fall in love you may fall out of love. And once you had fall out love, you may come out like nothing happened, no scars, no ache, no regrets, past is the past for you and if it’s over it’s over. While when you’ve been in love, you’re in love as in really, and if it ends, it would leave you a deep wound that will take too long before it heals, you’ll have those traces of pain, ache, it would leave you stained, like that person you loved left an imprint in you and it’s not that easy to shake it off.