Day One Or Never.

July 20.

I went out of the house. An achievement I guess ’cause I always locked myself in surrounded by eletronic devices, tv, cellphone, laptop.

I helped someone out of nowhere. I talked. I started hearing my own voice once again. I’m alive. Still breathing.

I walked through the small street in our place.
Slippery, yet fascinating.
I laughed. I’m being myself.

Gone to my uncle’s house. They let me in.
My cousins and nephews.
My little nephew got the bible and left it beside me. I flipped through its pages. Random page.

Love. About love. How it should be free and not selfish.

This night as I was writing this down. Hillsong songs on my earphones.

I remembered God. How He was always here even I almost forget about Him. How His love stays even I abandoned Him.

Almost teary eyed. I felt sorry for blaming Him.
I know He has reasons why things happen.
I can’t understand now but I know someday I will.

I’m with a broken heart today, but I’m thankful.

I will heal. Things do, right?

Oh how many times have I broken Your heart

But still You forgive

If only I ask

And how many times have You heard me pray

Draw near to me

Everything I need is You

My beginning, my forever

Everything I need is You

-Still, Hillsong United


Depression Day.

I felt miserable last night and cried. Tried to calm myself by watching. I laughed a little but really I just felt sad. I stared into the distance. But tears kept building on my eyes. I blinked then there they were falling. I turned off the television. Crawled on my bed. Weeping, I fell asleep. I woke up at 4am shut the light and laptop off that I left open that night. Then that frustrating feeling came back. Wanna fight it by having my earphones on. But still I cried, weeped and sobbed harder. Punched the wall and scratched myself. Cried, sobbed, weeped repeatedly. In my mind, I’m secretly hoping that someone would burst to the door and saw me. Ask why but I would stay silent. Even with no response would hug me tighter. But impossibly it will not happen. So I just lay under the sheets, bent myself feeling small. I wonder why I’m still breathing. I don’t wanna feel anymore. I want to get numb. Until I fell asleep again. Woke up at the alarm I set but I just wanna lay there and don’t exist. I slept for more. Woke up at lunch time and had my earphones on in full blast. I don’t wanna hear what the world says. Picked up lines in those songs which defined me. Got out of the room. Went to kitchen. Cleaned the dirty plates. Then there’s the scissor. I want to injure myself. Instead, I decided to skip lunch ‘because I had no really appetite for it. So I just had some juice and biscuit. Turn the wifi on my phone and respond to some messages. Turn the laptop on. Open the browser tab to youtube. Watched parodies and cat videos but they ain’t funny it can’t cheer me up. So I switched to articles like depression and loneliness. They don’t help me either. I felt crazy and I just want to smash and throw things everywhere. I saw the drinking glass and I wanted it to shatter into pieces and pierce into my skin. But it’s all in my mind. I proceed to the bathroom with my phone and earphones in full blast. I filled the bucket with water and tried to drown myself but got up and gasped for air. I sat on the cold wet floor and cry. I stare up the window. I felt cold but really I don’t want to feel anything. I just want to die. I got dressed up with the lights off and just wanna lay at my bed. But I need to get up for I have duties to do. A few hours later my brother is calling and I don’t pick it up at first. I don’t wanna talk to anyone. The next second, I got a message so I picked it up the next ring. He asked how I’m doing, I fell silent for I don’t know what to say. Should I say I’m okay when really am not? But I had no choice so I just said I’m okay. I sobbed a little and he asked if I’m crying, I don’t respond. He asked, ‘What’s the news?’ Silence again. I really don’t have the mood to talk. Glad he ended the conversation so soon. That’s the dumbest call I had. Bad timing. Then I felt rage. I glimpsed a bottle and I wanna smash it again. I wiped away that thought. Moments later, I heard something ringing it was my sister’s phone she left to me. My brother’s calling on it. Three times. I don’t pick it up. I chose to ignore it. I spent the rest of the night reading. One of my forms of escape. Eventually, I survived the day. It was such a tough day that I almost gave up but still I want to fight, even I just had that one percent of hope left.

Breaking down once in awhile is fine. Like having a flu, it just means that we’ve been through too much. We need to rest for a while, for the next days to come, we had enough strength to fight.

“I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left in me.”
-Fight Song, Rachel Platten


This night I feel so alone. And I wish I did not exist. So I’m acting like an invisible person tonight. I don’t want to make any sounds. I don’t want to bother them, especially my father, who is labeling me tonight an insane one. So I just decided to wear the ring Mr. gave me. And I had reasons for this. He was the person that made me feel safe. He was the person who told me that’s when something wrong it’s just okay. He was the person who said that if you’re having a bad day today, eventually everything would be okay tomorrow. He was the person who never failed to made me laugh and smile even I’m really sad. He was the person who always cheered me up. He was my positivity. But then I’ve remembered he was already gone. And I’ve reminded how stupid I am. To believe that he likes me. Wish he just didn’t do those things. Wish he didn’t hugged me or held my hands. Or wish he doesn’t get close to me that much if he would just leave. He must haven’t gave me those butterflies if he would just turn them into dust. He must haven’t brought me happiness if he would just make it into pain. I must haven’t let him in. ‘Cause the hole he left kills. He was just an illusion that my mind made up.

The Unwanted.

The worst thing a person will feel is being an outcast in his/her own family.

Just finished from a good cry, no I don’t think I am, ’cause tears just keep on flowing, it’s the worst cry, like all the tears I kept from showing, burst out all at once, and I’ve felt the chest pains, the shiver of my hands, the numbness of my body. I want to stop this pain but I just can’t. It’s swallowing me.

Since I was young, my mother is the only one who was there for me. I seldom saw my father or talk to him. He rarely goes home. I do understand that ’cause he’s working far away from us. And it will take one flight before he would be finally home. Occassional talks, infrequent sightings. Maybe that’s why I was never close to him. Less informations about him. All I know is he was my father.

Once he went home, I try to meddle and bond with him but I never thought I would see him in a different light when an incident happened. Me and my older sister done something terrible that made him mad. We were at our old kitchen, he was screaming at us and he was saying the most undesirable words a child could hear, but the worst thing he did, he pointed us with a knife, we were so helpless and innocent at that time. Other relatives were there. And they don’t do anything, they just watched us two afraid children crying. After that incident, I can’t even handle a knife, I had a trauma with it. I carried that burden inside me, tried to understand and forget everything. As i was growing, i wanted to be a good daughter, following their every single rule, too afraid to make mistakes. My other sister was a wreck, she became a rebel, my father even chased her out of our house. And she wasn’t able to finish her studies.

As a lesson to be learned from my sister, I persisted on finishing my studies, I studied too hard. I said to myself, ‘I must not be like my sister, I must graduate.’ That’s when I put limit to myself. No going out with friends and no boyfriend.

When I’ve finished highschool, I chose to took BSHRM, my father was not into it, he wanted me to take engineering but I don’t want it. Because of that I thought I would never go to college, I cried and stayed in my room that whole day but I mustered myself to be brave to tell my father the course I wanted, finally he agreed. I decided to took college at a school in manila. I devoted myself to studies. Too fearful for the space of mistakes. Four years of study.  Until the graduation day came and I was a cum laude. Done with my studies and a latin honor, my parents would be happy. But truly, I don’t know why I was never happy for that honor. Maybe because I want something more. (I’m glad that course made me overcome my fear of the knife.)

After graduation, I didn’t know where to go next. Studies are over. And I don’t want to be a nuisance. For me, being useless is the worst thing. I wanted to be independent. I don’t want any penny from them. I need to find a job.

Over these things, in everything, I had a reason. I studied and worked far away from home ’cause I don’t want to be always at home. I want to be far away from that world. I always want to get out of it. Because really our house was never a home, it was a prison of bad things, a cave of my worst nightmares. Sometimes i came to the point that I want to leave home. Friends was really my home that’s why I really wanted to be with them than my family.

All my life I never asked for a reward. All I want is my parents being proud of me. I strive to be perfect even though I’m not. And this struggling kills. I have a choice to go abroad but I just can’t leave them. I want to be here as they get older. If I was never afraid of bloody things or things that suck, I would have taken nursing. They were all I was thinking of until now but it’s hard to hear that they don’t understand me. So I just kept on understanding everything. Especially my father. I would take his worst insults ’cause I have respect for him. And my parents are my number one priority.

I was never okay with my father, and maybe that’s the reason I would like to get close to the opposite gender. I want someone to made me feel safe. I was looking for a father material. I’ll admit I was jealous with children who has a tight bond with their father’s ’cause that’s what I never had.

I’m trying to understand everything that maybe he’s like that ’cause he’s getting older. I’m still believing that he would still change but I think he wouldn’t. Ever.

I’ve remembered months as I was waiting for my graduation, my other sister has a fight again with him, my father almost strangled her, I didn’t see it but I can hear the screams and mad voices. Those noises gave me chills like the trauma is coming back to me.

I was really thinking he’s acting mad at me because I was an unwanted child. I was the youngest but there’s the ten year gap with my other sister. I was also thinking maybe I was just adopted, ’cause I really didn’t look like my parents. I was so different.

This time all I’m dreaming is that my mother would see me cry and hugged me, she would be courageous enough to fight for me against my father and she would say that she understands me and would believe that I’m different from what my father said. But I know that would be the one of the impossible things. I’ve remembered my mother even went abroad to take care of my father. She choose him over me.

Sometimes I’m thinking could I just get crazy or be an abnormal so I would not felt these hurting. Or maybe die so that they don’t have someone to think about anymore. But once I’ve thought of these things, still they were really I’m thinking of.

Hope one day, I would have enough money to buy my own house, have my own business and fully stand in my own so I could get my mother, siblings out of this hell.

When something bad happens, I would usually stopped myself from crying at that certain time. I would piled up everything and once I’m alone in my room I would just cry silently in a corner. I never wanted someone to see me weak. I never wanted them to see my tears. I want everyone to see me as a strong person. That’s why I’ve learned to fake a smile. And I have a tagline, ‘It’s okay that I would be the one hurting than the people I loved.’ Other people’s happiness matters more to me than my own. Their happiness is my happiness.

With these hardships and pain I’ve been, hope people would understand if i’m full of negativity, if i lose hope, or if I seldom believe or trust people. And if I’ve given someone trust, hope they don’t waste the chance I gave them.Trusting people really matters to me and I seldom gave them out. So please if I gave you that trust please take care of it.


Hey guys, how yah doing? I think I’ve been gone for such a long time. I guess I’ve just had something we called writer’s block. Because those past few days I’ve been in such a whirlwind of emotions that I don’t know what I’m feeling, I don’t know what to say or think, all I want during those times was to talk to people around me, to told my story, to hear their opinions, to read my unsent letter and mostly was to talk to him, ‘cause I think he was slipping, gripping away and I want to hold on but I think things were already late.

Last Christmas, I had some late night conversations with my college classmates who knew him, they were like saying, ‘maybe you can be together, he’s single and you too’, but I said, ‘don’t push things, if it is meant to be it will.’ So instead they just suggested, greet him, it’s Christmas anyway. So that morning I’ve pm him on facebook, he responded at first, greeted back, but the conversation didn’t last, he didn’t replied anymore and the worst is, he’d never try to read my next message, and I start to wonder, why he’s being like that, acting cold, and there I was again, over thinking things. Some we’re saying, ‘maybe he’s just busy’ but I said, ‘no he wasn’t, he’s online almost every day’, and then again I let him hurt me. I’ve also told my story to my other friends and they said, ‘if he want to talk to you, he will, if he likes you, he’ll make an effort, you’ve just been assuming.’ Okay, yes, maybe or really I am, assuming it is. So I think too much after that, I had a breakdown, I cried once but after that I said to myself, ‘stop crying ana, enjoy life, you still had you’re friends and family.’ During the next days, I vent out myself in music, food, my friends and family. Then I’ve realized what I already had. They’re enough.

His Music.

I was never interested in his music but he was interested in mine.

Before Taylor became famous I’ve been listening to other bands at that time and I’ve already heard, ‘Fireflies’. I’ve liked it because of its cute tune and cute music video. But Taylor’s music take me away from those because Taylor’s songs captured me the most. Its lyrics, stories, everything. So I forgot those other songs. I’ve been trapped in Taylor’s world and I’ve realized listening to Taylor’s songs always keeps me going back. I’m holding back. Looking back to everything. Regrets, broken promises, heartbreak, lost hopes, thousand of what-if’s. But I will still listen to them ’cause they’re a part of me and I will always be a fan.
Going back to what this is all about, now, I’m trying to understand his world. At first, I was really hesitant to listen to Owl City because it reminds me of him. But by now, Owl City’s songs are on my playlist and I find it full of dreamy things, sounds lively but the lyrics are really lonely.

To borrow a lyric from one of the songs,

“So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?” -The Saltwater Room

I Do Fall.

This morning as i was going to work, having my downtime at the bus. A random memory popped out of my mind. A scene with him at school. At our classroom. And we’re just in that state of getting to know each other. He was offering me a bread. I refused and said, “You better eat that. You need it more.” And he was kinda arguing that i need it too. Insisting for me to eat too. But i still don’t want to. I’m not hungry at that time. We continued to argue and tease each other. Then suddenly, my classmate spoke, “You two, stop that, you might fall in love with each other.” Because of that, we stopped talking and remained silent.

Now i’ve been wondering about what my classmate said. Yes, i do fall. But i’m not quite sure if he did.


(Before you start reading, I think these things are really crazy. Haha.)

He was in my dreams these past two days and I don’t know why.
My first dream of him was as sad as a lonely song. It was a gathering of our section, like a reunion and I think other sections too, because there were many people. I can’t really describe where it was but maybe it was at our school, I’m basing it in the structure I’ve remembered. Me and my friend were running, finding where they are. And we can’t see them, so I decided to wear my glasses to have a better view. Then I saw him, and I know he saw me too but he’s acting like he doesn’t know me, he ignores me. And I was thinking he’s mad at me. Until my alarm sets off.

The second one was just this morning. It was something that takes the happiness and hope out of me.
We were in good terms already but we had an argument that made us to part ways for some time. Until I’ve heard that he got someone pregnant. He got drunk because of our fight and met some girl. And because of that he has to marry that girl. I was dumbfounded when I’ve heard about it. It made me so depressed that any good talk or song can’t make me alright. Everyone was worried about me. I was really lost and I don’t know what do. Thoughts are echoing in my mind, ‘he’s gonna marry other girl and we can’t be really together at all, there’s no more hope.’ I was crying too much. I’ve woken up when I’ve heard Taylor’s song, ‘All you had to do was stay’, playing. And glad I didn’t wake up with tears in my eyes. It was really a bad, weird dream.

Today, I’m wondering what will be my dream tonight. And I’m getting worried that I will have a dream about him again and it will be more worse. Wishing it will not. Please no more dreams about him again and no more nightmares. I just want to sleep peacefully.

Actions Are Enough.

It was not my typical type of Sunday. Lazy to stand up and I just want to lay at my bed and sleep. But I need to get up and help with the preparations. Despite of not being in the mood, I stood up from my bed and tied my hair and went down to our garage. At first I was hesitant to go down, so I just stare at the sky for a few minutes. Something’s going over in my head at that time that makes me sad. After trying to get back my smile, and failed. I finally decided to go down. As I was getting down the stairs, wearing a shirt and shorts with my short hair tied back. My friend noticed me and asked, “Are you okay?” I don’t know what to respond. So I just remained silent. Then my friend continued, “You’re not okay.” And maybe I’m really not. But I’m trying to. And I think that was the best conversation that I had.

Crazy In Love.

One day, my life was just that fine until you came. I was still in the state of hurting, denial and acceptance that Mr. D was already in love with someone else. You were introduced to me by a friend. It was nice meeting you. We started to be close. And then I developed this admiration on you. I was still in love with someone else that time. Hurting to see Mr. D with her girl together in the canteen, in tours, in the school grounds. Secretly wishing them to break up. Mr. D ignores me every time we met, acting like he doesn’t know me or he really decided to forget me or maybe he doesn’t really know me at all. Questioning things that maybe he didn’t really like me from the first place. Then one day, life started to play. Mr. D’s girlfriend was in the cold kitchen. And me and my friend decided to be in there too, to kill time. But then, I heard them saying, “He’s coming.” Then, it strucked me. Mr. D is coming in the cold kitchen and I was there. I will see him with his girlfriend. Then he came and it hurts to see them together. I want to be invisible at that time. Life is playful isn’t it. Then one day as we became close. Exchanging laughs and stories. This feelings for Mr. D started to slowly heal. I was being fine. And one day, I heard, Mr. D and his girl break up. I must be happy right? They just lasted for months. But I’m not, ’cause the feelings already fade away. And that time, I was just being friends with Mr. Admiration was lost. Just being friends. But one day, he started to treat me differently. He’s using his friend’s phone to text me. Saying things like, “Have a good day. Smile always.” I knew it, because one day an unknown number texted and i asked, “Who’s this?” And it replied, “Oh, sorry, Mr. used my phone again.” And more unknown numbers, and I didn’t ask anymore, ’cause I know it’s him. Then, I started to notice him. He talked to me more often. Started sitting beside me. Near me. Then one day, my friend said, the one who introduced him to me, “I like Mr. but I think Mr. just likes me as a friend.” And me and my other friend said, “We’ll help you with that”. I said that because I know, I just have plain feelings for him. But why slowly, I noticed I started to fall. I must not, I don’t want to eat my words. But Mr. talks to me everyday in school, laughs and made jokes. How can I stop this? I must avoid him. And I tried. But that would be noticeable. Because he knew he didn’t do anything wrong, so why avoid him? So, I just continued to be the same. And I hate this feeling, it continued to grew deeper. And he started to held my hands, every time he talked to me. Then one day, my professor was mad at me and I become a center of attention in a while. And I cried after that. That class ended, and he walk out of the room with his friend first. Me and my friend was just there at their back walking to the next class. Suddenly his friend go back, and Mr. sees me, hugged me unexpectedly and said, “That’s okay.” I was shocked at that moment, I don’t know what to react. It’s a whirlwind of events. My friend jokingly said, “What’s that? PBB teens?” It was in the middle of the corridor. Other people sees us. But I don’t care, he’s hugging me and I’m asking in my mind, why? Then he started to let go but hugged me again. Then he’s gone. I want to ask him why he did that. But he was sitted away from me at that next class. Until that day ended and I wasn’t able to ask him. Playful days continued to came, he talking beside me. Holding my hands when he’s talking to me, only to me (or maybe not). But our classmates is partnering them together, he and my friend who likes him. They said they’re good together. Yes, they are, they must be. And I’m just nothing. I’m just a friend and I will always be. They know each other long before me. But destiny played. We’re on a tour. We’re separated in vans. And guess what, he’s with me in the van. I never thought of that because we have different circle of friends. Two days seeing him. Two days of talking with him. And two days of him with our other friends, visiting our room in the hotel. How rude life is. And I hate it when that days ended, I secretly wished it didn’t . Two days of knowing and liking him more. We’re back to school and then again, they are pushing them together. I’m left out again. But I think life is playing, gone with him and our other friends finding ojt’s. He walking beside me while jokingly singing the “Princess and I” theme song. And the other days lasted like the same. Talking, sharing stories, he making jokes, he holding my hands, he sitting beside me. I remember one day, he tells me that he’d already read, “Mockingjay”, then tells me the story, but I don’t understand what his saying, I can’t, ’cause I can’t look in his eyes. This feelings swallows me. Then I felt that he got my hair and ties it into a braid. And I teased, “How did you know how to braid hair?.” I also remember him, fixing my bangs and said, “It looks good on you”. And I can’t look back too. I hate it. One time, some of our classmates we’re gone out of the room fixing our feasibilities, me and my friend were one of the people left in the room and he came back with his friend, suddenly he sat beside me and talked to me, he jokes as he always does then suddenly the topic went to Taylor Swift, he asked me to sing, “I’d Lie”, but I said, “I forget the tune and the starting lyrics, how about you? I know you’re addicted to korean things, sing some.” So, he sang a korean song that I don’t know. He’s amazing, he knows the lyrics and he knows how to read “Hangeul”, but he says, he doesn’t know what it all means, and he can write some of the basic korean language too. I envy him, I also want to learn those things. Few more last days of regular classes before our ojt’s, I remember one moment, I’m just sitting quietly in my chair, suddenly he came towards me and touched my chin. I was not in one of my good moods, so I ignored him. And he just walked away. Then my group leader invited me to go with him to print our feasibility. But I refused. Minutes later, someone texted, it’s my group leader, and the text left me puzzled. It contains the words, ‘I love you.’ It was sent twice. I’m about to reply, ‘Hey, have you finished printing our feasibility? And who’s with you?’, but I didn’t. So I just started to think, my group leader will not text that. And I’d thought who was with him? My first conclusion was Mr. I glanced to his seat, his not there. I look at the whole room, his not around. I need to find out. Nice timing, it was break time, so I invited my friend to buy foods. And as we are looking for a stall where to buy, I saw my group leader with him. My group leader saw me too, and insisted me to come with them, but I don’t want, I’m hungry and we need to buy food. That day just ended without finally asking. And the very last day of regular classes came, it’s his birthday. Hours, classes passed by and it’s the last class. He and his friends brought their shirt and we put messages on it. I can’t quite remember what I wrote on his but it contains, ‘Happy Birthday!’. Last day, last moments, group pictures and goodbyes. But before that day ended, outside there was a commotion done by our classmates. I didn’t bother knowing what that is all about but my friend said it was Mr. with my friend who has a crush on him. They are forcing them to hug. There was teasing and shouts. And I just pretended to be not aware of what’s happening. As always I’m just one simple girl in love with him. Then ojt days came, we’re so busy with it because it’s part of the final requirements for graduation. We didn’t see each other for so long. We just saw each other again a few weeks before graduation because there was an awarding ceremony held for scholars. It was the last day I’m gonna wear my uniform, and it was the day I’m gonna see him again. I was nervous that day ‘cause I don’t know what will I do once I saw him, so I just slowly walk to the elevator going to the theater. But suddenly, they popped up from that elevator, he was there with my other classmates. I was surprised and I didn’t know what to respond ‘cause I’m not really ready to see him again. Gladly, he started the conversation saying, “How are you? You look like you became taller.” And then I smiled and say, “Nope, I’m not. I’m just wearing shoes with heels.” Then we talk, and I asked them why does they come back. It turns out that we must enter on the other side of the theater, which is in the front of the school. So we get out of the school, and as we are going to the entrance of the theater, we are surprised to see, there was a long line. So we fall in line, as we are waiting for our turn to enter, he talks and I just listened. I seldom talk. I just let him speak. And I hate the butterflies. When we’ve entered, we walked towards the escalator going up but he suddenly noticed that it was crowded. He was walking beside me at that time. Then he jokingly asked, “Let’s just take the stairs?” but I said, “Then you go, I will take the escalator.” Soon as we are already inside the theater, I go away from him and started to search for my seat because we’re arranged alphabetically. But truly one of the main reasons is I need to get away from him as soon as possible ‘cause I need to stop this feeling and also because my friend who likes him is also there. I was seated in the row with the surnames in R and he was seated somewhere above me. My other friend who became my classmate in the previous semester is also there. And I’m somewhat near him. I talked to him, asked him how he was and other things. I act as if Mr. is not there. In short, I’m making him feel jealous. Haha. I’m bad at that time. I just really need to avoid him. As the awarding ceremony ended, I waited for Mr. and our other classmates, ‘cause my other friend already went out first. As we are out of the theater, our classmates went to comfort rooms and I’m left with Mr. He approached me and started to say my nickname, the nickname he’d given me. But it was taking long before he speak again and because I can’t take the pressure, I went to the comfort room too. How rude of me. I left him. The days go on, and our graduation day came. It was held at the PICC. We are the morning batch for graduation. As I went inside the PICC, we still need to fall in line for arrangement. Graduates with honors are first in line and are seated in the front of PICC. I was a cum laude and he was too. And because our surnames are R and S, I’m near him. When he saw me, he said hello and I just smiled. I want to take a picture at that time but I left my phone to my parents because my dress doesn’t have any pockets and it was irritating, it was a special day and maybe the last day I’ll see him, and I can’t take pictures with him. Then again the feelings overcome, so I just divert my attention to my other friend. I was trying to ignore him but he was like saying something that caught my attention. His graduation sash wasn’t placed appropriately and in my mind I want to fix it. But I don’t have my pins with me. Now, it’s a wrong decision to leave my things to my parents. So, I just faced at the front, accepting the fact that I can’t do anything about it and because we don’t have something to talk about. After minutes of silence, I felt that there was something going wrong, I’m having a glimpse in my peripheral vision that he is holding hands with someone I really don’t know but hers is a familiar face. Trying to hide my feelings of jealousy I just faced them and he saw me. He suddenly asked me, “Do you want me to help you too?” Due to these unexpected turn of events, I just said, “Nope, I’m okay.” And I immediately turn my back onto them. My God, turns out he is just helping her to stand because her feet is sore due to her high heels. I might go insane. And I want to say, “Girl, don’t wear high heels if you can’t manage wearing it.” More minutes passed by, the ceremony is starting, so we started to walk going to the PICC auditorium. As we are walking, my mind is thinking I want to glimpse at him, but I’m controlling myself and saying no. When we are already in our respective seats, the opening ceremony started. Awards are given. Graduates had been given their diplomas. But during those times, we are always talking to each other while waiting in the sides. One moment, he said, “My hands are cold. Hold it.” So because I want to, I hold it. But my hands are cold too. We’re not compatible. While I’m holding hands with him, there’s just silence. Neither one of us want to speak. All of a sudden there’s something whispering in my mind, ‘you’re parents are just near, they’re seeing you, they’re asking who is that boy.’ Those thoughts engulfed my mind so I immediately removed my hands. I decided to let go. The remaining parts of the graduating ceremony go on. There’s silence. No more talking. We’re separated. Just glimpses. Hours, minutes, passed by so quickly, until the ceremony has ended. Now, we’re proclaimed all graduates. There’s tossing of caps, laughs, shouts and ushering us into the outside ‘cause there’s another batch of graduating students. I was lost, nowhere to go at that time, I don’t know where my friends and parents are. It’s a disaster, no more picture-taking, thinking they may have already gone home. And there were so many people. So I just decided to go out in the nearest exit and I saw my parents waiting for me outside. I immediately get my phone and texted my friend. “Where are you? I’m near here the exit.” No reply, so I decided to call. “Hello, where are you? Let’s take a picture. Where are the others?” A boy answered, “Your friend left me her cellphone. I also don’t know where she is.” It turns out, it’s my friend’s boyfriend, I forgot she also left her phone to her companions. “Ah okay, I’ll just find her.” As I ended the call, a text appeared, “M’s with me, we’re near the exit, she’s finding you.” It’s him. It’s Mr. So I replied, “Which exit? I’m also near the exit.” Then I wait for a reply. No more reply. So I just decided to roam the grounds and find them. Then I found my friends, bringing back the graduation gowns. It’s was a long line so I just waited for them. I’ll just bring back the gown later. Me and my friends took pictures. And after that, they immediately went back to their companions. I lined up to bring back the gown. As I was waiting for my turn, Mr. appeared out of nowhere and asked me, “Do you see them?” He’s pertaining to our other classmates, his group of friends. Then I said, “There.” Pointing to where they are. Then he ran onto them. When I’ve already brought back the gown, I saw him bid goodbye to our other classmates. I glanced at him, but I think he didn’t saw me or he just didn’t know I’m there or he just really ignored me. And I really don’t know. So I just went back to my parents and went home. And that was the last time I saw his face. Or maybe not. Until now.

Social networks have just been the ways we talked. He will sometimes like my statuses on Facebook or message me. Reply to my twitter or favorite my tweets. Or love my photos on Instagram. I’m always waiting for him. I was always. I don’t have the guts to be the first to start the conversation. Or I’m just having too much pride. But there were really times, I almost do. I’m just stopping myself. Those times I’ve been with him, I really wanted to ask what I was really to him. A friend or more. Actually, there were more questions crammed in my mind. But I wasn’t able to ask. And there were some reasons maybe why, either because my other friend likes him, or I’m just really afraid. And now I think it’s all too late to ask, so many times has passed by, and so many things has happened. I’ve also told my friends about this, and I listened to their advices. They had asked me one question, “Does he do it only to you?” That was a hard question and I was asking in my mind, “Does he really? ‘cause I just see is him, only him. He’s the only one that mattered at that time. I’m trapped and I can’t escape. Or maybe he does it too to others but I don’t seem to noticed or i just don’t care because I can’t accept the truth and I prefer lying to myself.” So they said, “Just move on, it’s better.” That’s it, I’ve been doing it so many times, but he just keeps on coming back. Just one hello and I’m back again to zero. But I’m promising myself this time, “Yes, you must, even though it’s hard. Don’t let your hopes up again.”

And I must admit there’s still what if’s and buts’. So many questions. What if I asked, would it change a thing? What if I spoke, would we still be the same like this? It’s hard to forget someone when he is one of the reason of your happiness. When he is always there if you’re down cheering you up, giving you words of wisdom, teaching you to make fun most of your life. And avoiding him is like draining out my happiness. But I most do. It’s better.

Now, I’m just writing this story not to share but to make myself realize that maybe it’s not really what it was. Maybe, this is just some kind of desirable dream that prevents me from waking up. Or maybe some things are just not really meant to be.

Ps: This story is posted with a picture of the message he wrote on a mini planner he gave. (I erased the picture for privacy purposes) And a ring he also gave, actually that was two (the other was given to my friend, M), the other was a black ring inscribed with korean words in hangeul. The one that given to me was a silver ring, he said that ring was from his high school friend and he just asked for it. One time, he said it fell while they were swimming, and he really looked for it even he didn’t know how to swim, he tells he almost drowned upon getting it. I don’t know if that story is true ‘cause he’s kinda smiling while telling that story and I know him, he likes to joke. But I believed him anyway.