To My Almost.

As the leaves of the past year slowly fall one by one into an end, there I was letting you go and this 2017 if ever we occur to met, I hope that will be a new story for us like we’re some random strangers meeting for the first time.

2016. The year I truly lost you. Through the days and months I feel like I was gripping by the edge but can’t finally go. Lingering every second that your name will randomly pop up in my phone. Then one day, you did. But I think that was some kind of domino reaction I’ve done. There was a time where I missed you so badly I wanted to talk but I didn’t had enough courage to do so. So I told my college classmate who we both knew to say hello to you and gather some information. And she did because she knew I like you. There were your long conversations where she sent to me. There you talk a little about me. And maybe that’s the reason you decided to be noticed again by commenting on one of my previous post in a social network. I wake up to that notification and had this nervous and curious smile on my face. So I comment back at it, conquered my fear and personally messaged you. I waited for hours for your respond. They never came. My mind started to fill with questions. Why did you do it if you don’t have any intention of talking back? Why did I really did something wrong? Do my guts really tell the truth that you like me as I like you but I ended up hurting you so you had to hurt me back? Are you angry? Or I was just making up these scenarios in my mind? I get mad at you. Why did I let one’s hello shatter me in a million pieces again? I was getting used to it again just thinking maybe you’re just too busy. Then there came the day your name appeared. I read it there were your ‘hahahaha’s’ which I didn’t know if real. Maybe you just had to reply like a requirement. I replied to that with sort of sarcastic words because truly I was still sort of mad and I don’t feel like talking anymore but I had to ‘cause I want to try talking normally again. But I guess that was a wrong move, ‘cause the months past and you never even try to read that message. I hate it. And I realized I can never ever fix the gap so what’s the point of it. The wounds were to heal opened once again and it was some mistake of approaching you.

But you know what even I’m hating you, I still want to remember that you became part of my life, I don’t want to forget ‘cause you’re one of the sweetest thing that happened in my life, it may become bittersweet in the end at least I’ve got the chance to know you. It’s hard to say the final goodbye but maybe things could really be better this way. I need to go back to my normal self. Do things I always fond of doing. They do remind me of you ‘cause we had like this invisible string that made us meet each other, you are me and I am you, and I will never forget I considered you my soul mate ‘cause you’re the boy version of me. The similar likes, interests, zodiac signs, it’s funny you know. It was good memories.

Sad to say, I had to move further without you. Leave the feeling behind and start anew. I had to love myself if I want someone to love me wholeheartedly. Goodbye and I hope this would be my last words for you. You were my almost.

And I just wanna tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you.
And I wish I could run to you.
And I hope you know that every time I don’t
I almost do,
I almost do.
-I Almost Do, Taylor Swift


Hidden Greeting.

Processed with VSCOcam

‘It was your birthday

and i didn’t bother to greet or remember

but deep inside i almost did

to think in a world where it’s better

where we are not some hopeless fools

waiting for the right time

instead we took the chance

and everything’s fine.’
For about some time I was in hiatus in writing, but before I got back to transferring the feelings into words I tweeted this, ‘My mind refuses because I don’t wanna write anymore about him or for anyone. Instead I wanna write for myself.’ Yet my words still want to speak about him because there were a thousand words stuck in my throat that I had to get out. I had to get over. And this is my way. Forgive me.

“I need a little more luck than a little bit
Cuz every time I get stuck the words won’t fit
And every time that I try I get tongue tied
I’ll need a little good luck to get me by.”
-Tongue Tied, Faber Drive

The Last Time.

Why some stories had to end up soon before they started? Why people had to meet when they’re just gonna be drifted away? Why? I had a lot of questions now.

Tears really want to go when I heard the news, I was first in some state of shock. Like why does it have to happen too soon? I know I’m in some kind of being overreacting but well, I’ve been attached to him that much. He knows my stories, he heard them and I’m hearing his too. Then things were flashing back like the first time we met, I had that sincere smile and as you go I had that ‘I need to’ kind of smile. I wanna give you a hug but who I am to do that? I wanna talk to you and hear your thoughts but you’re ignoring me. I want you to feel that your family and friends are here but why can’t you see that? Why does you had to give up too quick and make a decision to left?

No one’s gonna be with me going to work and home again. No one’s gonna spray me his scent again. No one’s gonna hear my weird thoughts again. I’ll be lonely once again.

Today, we had our last in person interaction, the last time we ate together, the last time of messing around, the last time we laughed and talked, the last time we swept the floor, the last time we walked together and the last time we travel together.

And I wanna cry right now. Especially when the door finally closes as you walked out the train, I can’t help but close my eyes because that would be the last and I hate to see you leave.

But I would like to say, ‘This one’s never a goodbye, It will be see you again.’

Bon voyage! I wish you the best and I will surely miss you.

-Your Ana bear.

“Now, I’m half a world from you
But you’re always in my mind.”
-Million Words, The Vamps

The Last Straw.

This was written last December. The month when i’ve felt so lost and alone.

Dear Mr,
Hey how you’ve been? I guess you’re doing fine. Sorry, I don’t have enough guts to talk to you so I’ve decided to write this letter. I remember the first time I knew you. I don’t know if you still remember that but I do, but I must admit it’s not that clearly and all I know is I was staring at you as I waving goodbye. We’re looking innocent and never thought we would be this close. I’m thinking now maybe we have already that special connection since then.

Days, weeks, months easily passed by we’re getting closer and closer each day. I know this sound ridiculous but I would like to admit I had a crush on you since then. I admire you’re jokes, they’d made me laugh, even some are corny. Your kindness, your courage. But things changed, I would like to say my admiration for you got lost but I’ve noticed you’ve changed your treatment to me. Does it really changed? Or it just I’ve been assuming? Then you started to hold my hands, texts me positive words everyday to cheer me up (even you’re using your friends phones, but I know it’s you, I just don’t speak up.) I also remember that day I’ve cried because our professor became mad at me, I wasn’t expecting for your comfort but you hugged me anyway, in the middle of the hallway. It was special. I really wanna ask you that next class why you did that but you’re far away until I’ve never asked. Sorry, for not asking. More days like that until I’ve noticed I’m falling hard. So many times I want to ask, I want to know, I want to hear. But fear engulfed me from within. And our classmates are partnering you to Ms. and I can’t do anything about it, you look better together while I’m just a quiet, shy, nerdy girl in the corner that no one notices. But life was playful isn’t it? I’ve been with you for almost two days during the Palawan tour. I’m seeing you everyday and I was sad when the tour was over, wish it last like that forever, being with you. Then ojt days came, haven’t see you for so long. I wish I joined the 2go ojt, then I can have more time with you. But I haven’t. Then a chance to see you again came up, the awarding ceremony for scholars, I was really not ready to see you again at that time, I was thinking what to say. But you and our other classmates suddenly showed up, seeing you face to face again, you talking beside me. I remember when the ceremony ended, and as we are waiting for our classmates who’ve gone to the comfort rooms, you and I were left, and you were like gonna say something, because you said the nickname you gave me, but you took so long to continue and I can’t take the pressure, so I just went to the comfort room instead. But you know what I really wanted to hear what would you say and sorry for leaving you there. Never saw you again after that, until the graduation day came, last day to see you, last day to talk and be with you but sorry I ruined it, I’m just been really afraid, but I really want to fix your graduation gown, took a picture with you, and mostly hold your hands. But I’m such a fool, too afraid to take a risk. And I was just watching you as you leave.

If you’re gonna ask me now, I’m gonna say the truth, for this almost past 1 year and 8 months I haven’t seen you, I’ve been really trying to forget you, to be mad at you, to made this feelings go away but I really can’t. I was really asking myself why do I like you this much? You gave me pain but at the same time you gave me happiness. How ironic.