Citylights.

‘Can’t you see how the water magnifies the view? And that’s when we know tears are for.’

The Last Time.

Why some stories had to end up soon before they started? Why people had to meet when they’re just gonna be drifted away? Why? I had a lot of questions now.

Tears really want to go when I heard the news, I was first in some state of shock. Like why does it have to happen too soon? I know I’m in some kind of being overreacting but well, I’ve been attached to him that much. He knows my stories, he heard them and I’m hearing his too. Then things were flashing back like the first time we met, I had that sincere smile and as you go I had that ‘I need to’ kind of smile. I wanna give you a hug but who I am to do that? I wanna talk to you and hear your thoughts but you’re ignoring me. I want you to feel that your family and friends are here but why can’t you see that? Why does you had to give up too quick and make a decision to left?

No one’s gonna be with me going to work and home again. No one’s gonna spray me his scent again. No one’s gonna hear my weird thoughts again. I’ll be lonely once again.

Today, we had our last in person interaction, the last time we ate together, the last time of messing around, the last time we laughed and talked, the last time we swept the floor, the last time we walked together and the last time we travel together.

And I wanna cry right now. Especially when the door finally closes as you walked out the train, I can’t help but close my eyes because that would be the last and I hate to see you leave.

But I would like to say, ‘This one’s never a goodbye, It will be see you again.’

Bon voyage! I wish you the best and I will surely miss you.

-Your Ana bear.

“Now, I’m half a world from you
But you’re always in my mind.”
-Million Words, The Vamps

Love.

I was the dry patch of land not watered
The thirst and quench
Of a love longing

I’ve been the careless in careful
The negative and worst
Of a love lost

I became the weakness of strengths
The rotten and ugly
Of a love taken away

You were my hidden paradise
A beauty that no one sees
The shine in the light
Come and bathe me
With a love I deserve.

-Ana Reyes

Rejection.

She asked
She heard no

She talked
She heard silence

She approached
She was ignored

She stayed
She was left alone

She loved
She was fooled

She learned by herself
She tried to understand the world
But kept on asking why

She smiled
She tried to belong
But still in the end she’s left out

People always ask if someone’s okay
And we always say, ‘Just fine.’
But don’t they bother to know do we really are?

Depression.

Depression is an unexplainable feeling. When bad things crept up inside, you’ll feel all of the worst feelings in the world at once. The monsters you thought that isn’t present, feeds up on those emotions and swallow you whole, they grew up inside of you. You’re becoming your own nightmare. You had these thoughts of self harm like punching the wall, cutting yourself or jumping off the ledge. Those ideas are demons inside your head, you had to fight off. Battle isn’t just outside, it’s also inside all of us. We’re also battling against ourselves. You might survive life outside but inside your slowly dying. Your feeling of being carved into shreds. You’re bleeding inside. Have a huge black hole seeping you up. Sometimes we really want having those bruises to show people that we’re broken inside too. To let them see the truth not just because they saw us fine outside, doesn’t mean we’re really okay. We want people to wonder. We want them to know. We want them to feel. We’re not robots who don’t feel anything, we’re humans who also felt fucked up and shit.

Fight them out. Curse. Shout. Listen to music. Write. Be weird. Be different. Be yourself.
Survive. Live. Scars show how strong you are.
I salute you. I love you.

Ps: I confess one of letting my anger out is crying and injuring myself, but one form of therapy I do for lessening it out is by writing them down. These are stories that prove I undergone these moments. These are written words which tell more what I can say.
Yes, we can still shout and scream it out. But mine’s to tell.

‘Grit your teeth, pull your hair,
Paint the walls black and scream, “Fuck the world
‘Cause it’s my life, I’m gonna take it back,”
And never for a second blame yourself.’
-Missing You, All Time Low

Depression Day.

I felt miserable last night and cried. Tried to calm myself by watching. I laughed a little but really I just felt sad. I stared into the distance. But tears kept building on my eyes. I blinked then there they were falling. I turned off the television. Crawled on my bed. Weeping, I fell asleep. I woke up at 4am shut the light and laptop off that I left open that night. Then that frustrating feeling came back. Wanna fight it by having my earphones on. But still I cried, weeped and sobbed harder. Punched the wall and scratched myself. Cried, sobbed, weeped repeatedly. In my mind, I’m secretly hoping that someone would burst to the door and saw me. Ask why but I would stay silent. Even with no response would hug me tighter. But impossibly it will not happen. So I just lay under the sheets, bent myself feeling small. I wonder why I’m still breathing. I don’t wanna feel anymore. I want to get numb. Until I fell asleep again. Woke up at the alarm I set but I just wanna lay there and don’t exist. I slept for more. Woke up at lunch time and had my earphones on in full blast. I don’t wanna hear what the world says. Picked up lines in those songs which defined me. Got out of the room. Went to kitchen. Cleaned the dirty plates. Then there’s the scissor. I want to injure myself. Instead, I decided to skip lunch ‘because I had no really appetite for it. So I just had some juice and biscuit. Turn the wifi on my phone and respond to some messages. Turn the laptop on. Open the browser tab to youtube. Watched parodies and cat videos but they ain’t funny it can’t cheer me up. So I switched to articles like depression and loneliness. They don’t help me either. I felt crazy and I just want to smash and throw things everywhere. I saw the drinking glass and I wanted it to shatter into pieces and pierce into my skin. But it’s all in my mind. I proceed to the bathroom with my phone and earphones in full blast. I filled the bucket with water and tried to drown myself but got up and gasped for air. I sat on the cold wet floor and cry. I stare up the window. I felt cold but really I don’t want to feel anything. I just want to die. I got dressed up with the lights off and just wanna lay at my bed. But I need to get up for I have duties to do. A few hours later my brother is calling and I don’t pick it up at first. I don’t wanna talk to anyone. The next second, I got a message so I picked it up the next ring. He asked how I’m doing, I fell silent for I don’t know what to say. Should I say I’m okay when really am not? But I had no choice so I just said I’m okay. I sobbed a little and he asked if I’m crying, I don’t respond. He asked, ‘What’s the news?’ Silence again. I really don’t have the mood to talk. Glad he ended the conversation so soon. That’s the dumbest call I had. Bad timing. Then I felt rage. I glimpsed a bottle and I wanna smash it again. I wiped away that thought. Moments later, I heard something ringing it was my sister’s phone she left to me. My brother’s calling on it. Three times. I don’t pick it up. I chose to ignore it. I spent the rest of the night reading. One of my forms of escape. Eventually, I survived the day. It was such a tough day that I almost gave up but still I want to fight, even I just had that one percent of hope left.

Breaking down once in awhile is fine. Like having a flu, it just means that we’ve been through too much. We need to rest for a while, for the next days to come, we had enough strength to fight.

“I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left in me.”
-Fight Song, Rachel Platten

October 8.

‘I hate crying ’cause i don’t know what i’m still crying for.’
-Ana Reyes
Ps: I just really don’t know which is which anymore. Maybe words are not enough so there were the tears.

October 5.

‘Sometimes I hate being alone, ’cause sadness consumes me.’
-Ana Reyes
Ps: Not just sometimes, i think all the time, ’cause i always ending up crying.

September 28.

‘Sometimes i wonder if people really misses me when i’m gone. And if they missed me, why do i feel alone?’
-Ana Reyes

Indifference.

No one cares if you cry or laugh in this world.
You’re born alone girl.
So be used to be just by yourself.

-From the girl who cries about little stupid things.